Josh gave me a notebook as a gift this holiday. In it he has written one thought-provoking quote per week; 52 pages of hand-lettered bits written sideways so that one can stand it up and flip the pages over the ringed binding. (I have to say that it’s killing me not to flip forward and read through the coming weeks; oddly for me, I have been able to resist so far.)

Here is his entry for the week of Jan. 5:
“Life is a process. We are a process. The universe is a process.” - Anne Wilson Schaef.

Lord knows I’m a process. My relationship with Josh, that’s a process, though fortunately still quite a pleasant one as we near the 4-year mark. You, dear reader: our relationships and projects and conversations are a process. And I certainly hope the universe is a process, because I’ll be damned if we’re stopping here.

The nice thing about a philosophy like this is that it can get you through unpleasant patches. It’s good to have a reminder like this on my desk, because I can get very impatient. And I’m sure Josh is aware that this sort of thought may be of comfort to me, because I can be quite hard on myself. And he knows I’m not 100% happy with where I am in life at the moment. So something like this can serve as a reminder to persevere.

As long as you look at it like this: You need to be able to take a punch and get back up, fast. Because there is a danger in comforting ideas and feelings from self-help-lands like the one Anne Wilson Schaef thrives in. It is complacency - and I’m sure she would agree. I can be too hard on myself, true. But sometimes, I also let myself get away with saying “there there, everyone has a hard time with that, wait it out, give yourself a break” when really what I need to do is get off my butt and/or stop feeling sorry for myself.

At least on a daily basis, one can’t ignore how important it is to still be able to focus on “getting it done”. Stressing out about finishing things can paralyze a person, true. But never finishing anything will scramble your mind, your living space, and your very direction on the process-ey feely-free journey. I know from both scenarios, and I’ll bet you I haven’t finished learning those lessons, either.

Often lately, my blog posts seem to sit in “process” mode as little notes to myself or half-written drafts until they expire or become irrelevant. Micro-blogging satisfies impusive blurtings, and it takes more discipline to have a conversation. I have such plans for this space, so many ideas I want to ask you about. I suppose I’m busy finishing other things, but really I need an exchange, so the unfinished thoughts don’t just clutter my brain and my margins, and are subject to reality. I’d like to believe that I won’t start and stop and waver and swerve, but I won’t deny that I tend to. I hope that watching me struggle to become a better person will help you, and I’d really love it if you would write back to me and others reading this blog to inspire us with your own stories. Because none of us really know what we’re doing. Or hey, yell at me if I’m being stupid, or point out the obvious stuff I repeatedly miss. Poke me if I slow down. Whip, if you must.

So provoked.

One of the things on the Christmas wish list from my parents (mom Nancy and stepdad Glen), who are rad, was for charitable donations in their name.

I’ve already given to United Way and last year everyone got animals from Heifer International for the holidays. This year we wanted to do something more for the homeless encampment down the street from us in the University District. Last week during the snowstorm Josh and I cleaned out our winter box in the closet and took a few things over to this tent city on 15th, it’s only 10 blocks away from our warm little home and it’s so cold out. I felt like we should do more. But I wanted to do it in their name, so I’m putting it up on the internet - not to give myself credit but to honor Mrs. Nancy Hascall and Mr. Glen Hascall of Lake Oswego, OR.

Guys, here is the contents of the gift pack we’re delivering to Nickelsville in your honor:

2 Chap-et lip balms
4x Little Hotties Hand warmers
8 pair sturdy warm (dry!) socks
3x Stansport polarsheild emergency blankets
1 Gear Aid Backpacker Sewing Kit (I meant to get the tent repair kit, I will go back to get it and take it by on another day, it’s something nice that they can all share in their parking lot full of small tents)
2 bags of “Genuine Government High-Energy Survival Candy” (?)
5 Gold Medal knit hats
1 medium size waterproof “Rite n the Rain” all-weather tactical pocket notebook, even thought I knew it would hurt to type “Rite” (it’s recycled and biodegradable).
And 12 candy canes, because the box just barely fit…

I found all of the above (minus the candy canes) at the Army-Navy surplus store on 1st Ave in downtown Seattle. They were very nice there, and I didn’t tell them what I was up to. They treated me with dignity even though I’m a skinny prissy little nerdy white girl in a silly red coat who doesn’t know military from couture (okay that’s an exaggeration, I have an air force dad and a navy dad, and all sorts of POW grandpas in my history, but still, fish out of water.) There are all sorts of neat all-weather and survival things there that I never would have thought of! I forgot to look for thermal underwear though, a guy on the bus said they had some on sale. I liked the place.

Josh gets to deliver them tomorrow, they have a desk at the entrance where you can bring things, and they will split them up fairly according to need. (Josh got a smaller box too: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lifeasart/3136198709/)

Here is more info on Nickelsville.

When we were there last, they said that the things that are most needed are dry socks and firewood. Of course blankets, sleeping bags, coats, and other warm clothing are always wished for too. There’s a wish list on their web site. (Tent city with a web site? Only in Seattle!) They have a fire going all day and night though, so firewood is at a premium. If anyone knows where I can get some for cheap please let me know; we also have a fireplace but don’t know where to get wood. Those logs at the grocery store are so expensive. We plan to cut up the Christmas tree and dry it out in the entryway; we don’t have a place for a woodpile.

To do more to help local people in need this holiday season, please consider giving to our local United Way’s Emergency Response fund: http://www.uwkc.org/response

On Facebook:
http://apps.facebook.com/causes/175736?m=8c3a5226&recruiter_id=10316210

Looks like the site has finally migrated over to the new server. So much has happened in the last week and I’ve missed you, little blog! Big things ahead…

I was a listener at a conversation last night.

I felt like a spy, like someone was going to find me out. No one would ever say I didn’t belong there of course, and there is plenty of value stashed in me somewheres, but I’m not really a blogger. I’m not even a very good writer. I couldn’t help but wonder what I would do after when people started wandering around saying “and what do you do?” Oh, it’s so easy to make me start wondering “Indeed, what do I have to bring to the table?”

But I wasn’t there pretending to be a journalist. I wasn’t there to bring anything to the table, though I wouldn’t have kept bread to myself if I had found some. I was listening. I do that. I really like doing that. And as I suspected, no one objected to my imaginary obscene presence and grand stupidity. In fact, I had some lovely conversations afterwards. Oh clever me, I even stealthily functioned as the metaphor for the internet’s silent readers. (More floating around my noggin re: The Conversation later, feel free to start in.)

Point is my little negative thought at the beginning. Where did I get this internal nagging that interest has to be backed up with expertise? Because it keeps popping up where it doesn’t belong – at an art gallery, when I want to write a blog post, when I want to stick up for an idea at work, when mulling over education options. Why would I be embarrassed anywhere inside about going out and asking questions? About starting over? Who taught me that, the music business? The corporate world? Bullshit.

Everyone has value, and not everyone knows everything, Tamara, so you don’t have to. And I never thought I was all that to begin with. And so then what, because I spent so much time being hyper-valued for a compartmentalized part of me that I no longer truly identify with (which by the way never even described a fraction of my whole worth, lambs) somehow I now have dehumanized my own curiosity? Somehow an expert at something can never be a newbie at something else? Worse: that one must hide epic failures from the people who gave them support and trusted their teachings? After all that, still afraid to be seen, silly girl?

Anyway. Because I am getting better at shutting myself up, I really had a good time last night. And as this struggle to reclaim the grey matter continues, I hope I am privileged enough to continue to surround myself with people as bright and with conversation as interesting. This evening’s meeting to restart SMC Seattle tonight should help with that.

My goodness!

I’ve been so busy helping everyone else out with their social networking goodness, and here I am completely neglecting my own. It’s time for a redesign, stat. This place looks too calm, relaxed, even complacent. Now don’t get me wrong, I like “pretty” as much as the next girl (obviously), but life right now is grimy and difficult and delicious. Work is hard, the world is spinning, everyone is caught between exhilarating hope for the future and news that their friends are laid off and nonprofits are going down. I’m dragging colleagues kicking and screaming into the 21st century yet my personal brand here implies “civilized sitting room couch”.

If I were to distill my entire whirling spurting convulsing existence into one idea right now, it would be this:

Oh. This is a very long pause.

Josh is going to the polls today, while I voted absentee. Now it’s your turn! DO IT!!

I have never been so excited about this in my life. I cannot wait to exhale.

This is where we’ll be tonight.
+ (+ Ian and others)

=

Silvering Path

The Silvering Path Preview 2 from Ian Lucero on Vimeo.

THREE COLLABORATIONS
Dance / Visual Art / Film

Silvering Path
One dance of eros, earth and the slug, one battle of the Weeble Wobble vs. the Ninjas, and one Monstrous Grandmother

2 live dance and music performances with video interaction and a world premiere of a short film.
Haruko Nishimura of Degenerate Art Ensemble (Dance) with Mandy Greer (Crochet Art) and Ian Lucero (Film)
and Colin Ernst (Sculptural costume/Weeble Wobble)

TWO WEEK RUN: October 10,11, 16, 17, 18
at the Free Sheep Foundation
4408 3rd ave (at Battery) in Belltown * $15 *

Plus:
Live adventurous music by Jeffrey Huston and Joshua Kohl, Dress Art by Anna Lange, Video Art Installation by Leo Mayberry

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=14430389076#/event.php?eid=12785309962
http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/art/archives/150852.asp?source=rss

We are SO CLOSE.

Relief of any kind is welcome these days!
A stop on my adventures last night:

Prank sign: WaMu Center will be turned into condos
(I swear I didn’t know Monica would write about this, I just posted stuff to flickr! I didn’t even think to do so. Small town!)

On my way from the Triple Door to Neumos for Decibel Festival events.

SLOG’s on the comic relief today too.
Don’t cry.

please watch. comments open.