Oh lordy, I’m sick today.

Actually, I’ve been sick all weekend - though today is the worst yet. My dear sweet kitten is taking care of me, it’s pretty cute, she’s way more snuggly than usual and is sitting on me and purring every chance she gets. My boyfriend is off with our roommate, helping with another of his elaborate photo projects, and I’m here with a West Wing marathon, a half gallon of cranberry juice, and the internet.

I wish we didn’t have this TV here honestly, I get so much more creative thinking and art projects done when there’s not one in the house. I have no power to resist the temptation to check out for a while, just be passive, stop thinking, especially when I feel like crap. This is a great flaw of mine, one that I try to be aware of, and so I haven’t owned a TV in my entire life. But now I live with one. And actually, I won’t feel bad about it today, because I’m very sick, and the West Wing has great dialogue, and it’s distracting.

Funny how we don’t appreciate our health until it’s gone bad - not that I’ve felt 100% in quite some time, but how would I be spending my Monday afternoon off if I wasn’t melting under the pressure of my sinuses and sitting around feeling sorry for my drippy self? Honestly, in this comfy warm house with this sweet cat and this sweet boy and too many unfinished projects, do I have what it takes to change the world? A mind? A sound? My socks? To change anything? What does it take? Is compassion enough? The memory of pain? Frustration? Or does it have to take rage and conviction and singlemindedness?

What Satan and I once called Fighut, to fight against the forces keeping you down, against sadness, against unfairness and that which cannot be right, against the darkness in people and the frustrations of life - that was what drove me for so long. Even -especially- after he chose that world, enough of our country bought into leadership that represents that world, I remained a citizen of a country that increasingly becomes colored more like that world and sees less and less gray. But honestly, nothing’s keeping me down now but inertia… Is that the problem with our wealthy adolescent state? We’re too COMFORTABLE? So comfortable we can ignore it all? Until when? Our families die? (war, disease, poverty, crime, misfortune, whatever.) Until we lose our jobs? Until our idea of truth and destiny is destroyed by lobbyists and replaced with settling for security? Until something happens to our wealth and comfort? Until a terror attack or a breach of civil liberties?

Okay, I’m going a little off the handle here, I’m not paralyzed, I’m not middle america, I’m not a watching an abnormal amount of TV. I’m just a little sick and it’s been a long winter and I’m between projects. I’m easily bored, and have a hard time finishing projects. I’m normal and human and fine and will definitely feel better next week.

Meanwhile, it’s good for us all to ask these questions, so I am. Time for a hot bath.