31
March 26, 2007
You know, I’ve been looking forward to 30 my whole life. Rather than fear it, I was excited - I earnestly believed that my thirties would be the strongest, richest, most exciting time of my life. I would be old enough to understand how things work and be able to get things done, and at the same time still be young and free enough to enjoy it.
One year in, and I’m just tired. The confusion, frustration, and utter stupidity of all this rivals almost anything from my 20s. At least then I sort of had the energy to run circles around my own brain, failures or not. Maybe it’s all just what I need to get past in order for the rest of the decade to be that good - but secretly? I’m sick, I’m worn out, and I really don’t want to fight anymore.
I’m sorry I haven’t been more candid on the day-to-day experience here. Perhaps in the future; the internet connection works at home now, so assuming the spammers will give me a break, I’ll be able to post more freely.
Ch. commented
on March 26, 2007 9:39 am
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Recently, I’ve told people anxious about turning 30, ‘30 was easy for me - its 31 that was a bitch…’ Here I am approaching 34 and… still not easier; it’s like one big, long ‘WTF?’
I feel like the transition from 20s to 30s has been, for me, about trying to tear-down the ’starter persona’ I constructed through my 20s to reveal something more genuine…
I have high hopes for 35… I think I can, I think I can…
Tamara commented
on March 26, 2007 10:16 am
Once again, you speak my thoughts so well: “It’s like one big, long, ‘WTF?’” That’s exactly what it’s like. Little sisters, are you listening?
Okay, well that’s a good way to look at it. Tear-down complete; persona, laws of reason and physics, raison d’etre, belief system and known truths totally gone. Also: hard drive, the audio file of my last concert, ‘86 Honda radiator and brakes, savings, camera, confidence, voice, mind, body, and career.
How totally freeing! Now if I just unload (upload?) about 32 tonnes of vinyl and other assorted crapola holding down my rental house, I will be completely without weight. Now that’s a REALLY good way to look at it. If I can remember that, I actually DO think I can.
Which I haven’t thought for a bit.
Here’s a question: do I really want to build back up again as nonprofit sector admin assistant? (thank you Union - I’d lose my title and my fall work would be absorbed into this new position if I took it.) Is that a real danger, or just the same old fear of getting tied down/absorbed into the system/failing at long-term that seems to keep me from moving up the normal way? Is it possible that the (boring) job will provide the structure to reconstruct honestly, without taking over and becoming new persona? Or will it just all drive me nuts? What are they going to find in the supercollider?
Ch. commented
on March 27, 2007 3:58 pm
To address the questions in your last paragraph with my own experience: it drives me nuts. However, I opted to forgo the creative experience in favor of diving straight into the rigid, corporate, nominally responsible experience so maybe I’m just approaching the same thing from the other pole.
I do feel that there should be some kind of balance, that an emphasis on one world shouldn’t equal a vacuum in the other, that life shouldn’t resemble a circuit diagram formed of binary switches.
If there’s any danger, I think it’s in learning to ignore needs you have that may lie in another place…
on not heeding those needs in the first place. The needs/wants of the body are not always in synch with what the soul craves, but it shouldn’t be a stark choice between life/death, love/hate, yearning/fear, etc. and yet for me it always seems to end up collapsing into some kind of singularity embodying a liebestod like crisis.
Ch. commented
on March 28, 2007 9:34 am
You know, something else increasingly at the front of my mind (as I bristle more and more under the yoke while working for others) is that some sort of entrepreneurial synthesis of the passionate and the pragmatic seems to be the ideal: forging your own business around something you feel passionately about.
For myself, I’m not sure yet what that would be…
However, you in particular, seem uniquely suited to leveraging your experience as a creative artist into some novel and fulfilling role in the private sector (for profit or not) and being more than just a cog in the organization. Granted, starting or running your own business is not easy, but it might be something you could enter into with others in a similar position.
Tamara commented
on March 29, 2007 4:08 pm
Thank you for that. Inside, I agree with you, and I think that’s a big part of why I’m having such a hard time accepting it. I wish I had the confidence and the health.
But for now, at least, I think it might be best to sit tight for a few months and put my energy into getting better. At least here I’m not padding the pockets of some corporation’s shareholders, my energy spent here, directed correctly, goes towards a good cause. While I’m not passionate about office protocol, I can be passionate about the company. And I’m surrounded by people I like. And when I’m too sick to go to work it won’t wipe out my pocketbook, and I’ll have some structure and support and understanding while I’m trying to balance out the new doctor and the new meds. Then I can accomplish some things here, maybe get my proper title, and start feeling better about myself. Meanwhile, I can replace some of the tools I need to get around the barriers in my creative life.
Generally when I’ve gotten to this point of desperation at the completion or failure of creative pursuits or health/energy resources, I’ve settled for “temporary fixes” that ended up far worse for me than just “settling” (see: 4 years in a record store with no support or incentives other than superficial coolness retention and more free crap). I think they’re giving me a pretty good offer here, and I could still learn some things. I know there are many things I am more suited for, but maybe I’ll learn some new tricks doing stuff I don’t like so much. And maybe if I’m not using all my ingenuity just trying to survive, I can get a little more creative on the weekends?
Look at me trying to justify. I totally agree with you. I just don’t know how to make it happen yet. Don’t let me forget.
Ch. commented
on March 30, 2007 10:15 am
Sometimes a superficial sort of cool and some free crap goes a long way.
Don’t worry about justification - it makes sense. Just keep your feelers out for a change in underlying assumptions. No reason for a stowaway to go down with the ship…
And, seeing as how this sort of drastic dichotomy is something I confront nearly every waking moment of every day, you’ll probably be reminded of it in any conversation or exchange…