Wedding crash-course!!
April 12, 2007
My friends Chris and Zoe got married today in the park. Cool, I had permission to take a long lunch, and got Josh to agree to pick me up so we could save time in transit. Wore a nice dress and heels to work. Okay!
But then YESTERDAY, they asked me to do the marrying! Unbeknownst to most people, I’ve been a Universal Life Church minister since April 28th 2000, but I have yet to perform a marriage ceremony (that wasn’t the point.) I asked what kind of service they would like to have, and they said they trusted me. “You mean they trust you to do all the worrying about it!” said my honey. Chris referred my to the very website he designed for me (this one) and pointed out that I have “Improviser” at the top. Eep.
I pushed for more parameters. ANY parameters. They’re very casual, are writing their own vows, and will be barefoot. And something about worshipping the goddess of Chaos. I’m getting the feeling that if I wanted to pull some sort of performance-art prank like having Josh play Peanuts Adults wha-wah-wha-wah noises on his trumpet while I pretended to mouth solemn words, or dragging a soundsystem out and only playing pop records (you know, begin with Prince, obvy!) to guide the ceremony, or leading an interpretive ribbon dance, leaving all words and symbols in Lake Union, they’d eat it up. If only there was more time.
SO last night I rampaged my art supplies, poetry books, journals, and brownie mix (what?) for inspiration on what the hell to do. Other than a little buddhist reflection on the importance of vows, I was at a loss. (Also, I had to turn on Lost.)
So first thing this morning, I got on the internet and made a beeline for Ariel Meadow Stalling’s Offbeat Bride. Of course I am kicking myself for not reading the book already, for not having it on hand right now… despite my lifelong non-marriage horizon, you really never know when you might need such a thing. Plus when a friend gets it together to do something as serious as write a whole book, you should probably support the hell out of that and just buy a copy on faith. Anyway the website was lovely, but really helps more with advance planning and the bride side (really, I’m supposed to know my own job), but for the really chunky kind of advice I needed, I should get the book. Learned my lesson - I’m ordering it now. I did get a couple of idea seeds from the “Offbeat Advice” section, like having guests of a small party make a circle and using ribbons to physically tie the guests into the ceremony (which complimented my idea of having them also make vows - later.) Most of all though, just reading through the site and and seeing the creative examples from other weddings helped me feel really free to open it up and get creative with my own ideas. Plus this made me want to call my mom.
I was also glad to get the heads-up on Daintycore; Chaya is AWESOME and I’m so excited to see what she’ll be doing in the future (I have an inside tip that she’s currently studying textiles hard-core and is poised to bust open the door of brilliance even wider.) But I’m not dress shopping, so on I went.
Next stop was About.com for some reading suggestions, where I ripped through Dickinson, Morrison, Yeats, etc before selecting passages by Robert Frost, Madeline L’Engle, and Margery Williams (actually I printed a bunch of other ones out and decided later in the car. Losers included legal passages from “Goodridge Vs. Department of Health” and also the Substitute Senate Bill 5336 on Domestic Partnerships that the Washington State Assembly very recently passed. But it was very close.) I also was able to find general guidelines for the proper order of service.
So then I called my mom. I asked her what her favorite part of her wedding to my stepfather was, and of course she said “the music.” (What, my falling off the water fountain and subsequent breaking open of my little head at the rehearsal wasn’t a highlight?) Then she said that the inclusion of the family was very important and memorable as well. Apparently we kids (one from her, two coming to the family with Glen) also took some vows, to be part of the family. I have no recollection of this, but hey I was probably totally engrossed with the lovely heart-shaped buttons on my pretty handmade dress. Plus maybe there was some brain damage. Anyway, I thought that was a fabulous idea. So I decided to invite the guests to come up with some vows on the fly, since that was what the bride and groom were pretty much doing.
I went to the park with a bag of symbolism, a rough outline, a bottle of water, a broken camera, and some poetry. But hey - I’ve had a lot of practice improvising in every situation imaginable, right? Besides. No matter what I do, the day’s going to be special because Chris and Zoe are special. Riff on that.
Tamara commented
on April 13, 2007 3:39 pm
As promised to the guests, here are selected texts from the ceremony:
Opening words of the Officiant:
Dearest friends.. etc… reverently… etc… or forever hold your peace.
Joining of natural elements:
“As all water flows from sky to river to sea and back to sky, and as all light comes from the sun or a reflection of that sun, might also life and love come from and return to a single source? Water and light flow together seamlessly. So shall love in Chris and Zoe. (my own words!)
Who represents the O’Rourke family in welcoming Zoe? (best man Tony Patchin did the honor and a cup was poured.)
Who represents the Baumgartner family in welcoming Chris? (Zoe’s mom did the honor and a cup was poured.)
I represent the State of Washington in aknoledging the legal unification of these two. (the two cups were poured into a vessel from which Chris and Zoe drank, and the vessel was passed around the circle and sipped from by the entire community.)
Baby Alexandr represents the continuation of the flow of love and life.”
Reading (Nick Bilyard):
From “The Velveteen Rabbit” by Margery Williams
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
Vows: Chris and Zoe said their vows while touching a Celtic Oathing Stone, to “set them in stone”. The stone, which Chris will carry home, was perfectly round to symbolize balance. The vows were beautiful - had to be there.
Guest Vows: Guests were invited to share oaths in public or private.
Exchange of Rings: I have no idea what I said, but we also rang a bell to symbolize the untangible unknown future and the transcendence of the bond past the physical world.
Closing reading:
From “The Irrational Season” by Madeleine L’Engle
“But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.
“To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.”
Declaration of Marriage
Kiss!
Final blessing:
An excerpt from “The Master Speed” by Robert Frost
“Two such as you with such a master speed
Cannot be parted nor be swept away
From one another once you are agreed
That life is only life forevermore
Together wing to wing and oar to oar.”
Introduction of Newlyweds
and then the paperwork!
and then the thawing out of the guests!
Chris commented
on April 15, 2007 10:27 pm
Wow. You are so even cooler than we previously thought (ego check! lol). You hands down are the bestest (sic) most perfect wedding officiant in the history of ever. You wove the perfect blend of fun, heartfelt love and poetic symbolism into an amazing ceremony. I am so thankful that you ended up marrying us and couldn’t imagine it being any more special or any more incredible.
Also thanks for the brownies on Friday night when we popped over.
Thank you thank you thank you!!
Love always,
Mr. and Mrs. O’Rourke
(still so weird saying that).
Mom commented
on April 16, 2007 11:32 am
VERY cool –nice job, T! I’m talking about the wedding right now, but also this: Reading your blog entries, which make me laugh and cry and imagine and enjoy, I’m more convinced than ever that you should be writing a book - about ANYTHING. Everything you write is a pleasure to read. :-))
Ch. commented
on April 30, 2007 6:18 pm
Holy shit, TW! You make me wish I weren’t too jaded to get married, er, again.
Tamara commented
on May 1, 2007 8:32 am
Aw! That’s a nice thing to say!
Tamara commented
on May 23, 2007 8:53 am
Photos up:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lifeasart/sets/72157600251576308/